Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
