My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
