does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
