they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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