Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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