No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
