Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
