in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
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I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
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I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Pants are for mortals
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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