What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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