So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
