I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Life is so much better after having sex.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
