There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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