If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
