I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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