Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My ATM looks so different sober.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
