Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
