I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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