I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
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It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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