I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
