I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
