Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
