There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
