I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
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Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
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I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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