We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
ttyl tear gas
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?