I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.