she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
i out mim tonsoeep
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