This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
