In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
