Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...