she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
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We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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