glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...