my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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