dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
