Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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