new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just google imaged poop.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
