And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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