i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
