I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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