He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
