I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
