he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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