2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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