A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
