I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
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