Im at strip club and am horny
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
