There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
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whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
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How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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