no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
