when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
