Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
