So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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