God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
