:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
