he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
